Welcome to Malloch Mansion for your delayed diary of the 2009 Malaysian Grand Prix.  Lame controversy has surrounded the start of this race thanks to the diffusers being run by some of the teams.  Now, since I have no idea what a diffuser even is or what it does, I’m going to offer no comment on them whatsoever.

Ready for what took place here we go!

6:30pm – Well, it’s halfway through OneHD’s pre-race show and I have to say it’s been a monumental waste of time so far.  There are two main problems with the show.  Firstly, they are recapping info that everybody already knows... and I mean EVERYBODY! The number of times I’ve heard Rust say “Australia’s Mark Webber” has passed 600,000.  Rust... we know he’s Australian.  Get over it.

And secondly, it is hosted by the worst TV personality of all time – Greg Rust.
Those of you who know me personally (probably all of you reading this!) know of my almost legendary hatred for Greg Rust.  I could go on all day for why he is a hopeless, mumbling, fumbling fool; however I think he deserves a column on his own.  So, let’s get back to business.

6:35pm – Apparently there’s already been rain.  This means it’ll probably rain again.  This means there will likely be loads of crashes.  Aw yeah...

6:37 – Recap of qualifying interviews.  I can’t help but notice that Sebastan Vettel’s face is way too thin.  He looks like he’s been put in a garbage truck and squished for 10 minutes so he’s left with a face 15% thinner than any other F1 racer.  I challenge anyone to dispute this statistic.

6:40 – OneHD’s advertisements are at least 900% louder than their programs.  Everytime they throw to an ad break my ear drums explode thanks to the massive noise.  That’s illegal by the way... in case you were wondering... which you weren’t.

6:43 – Cam McConville is always so awkward on camera.  He keeps looking as though he has no idea what to say next, but then he’ll bust out some bizarre statistic that you can’t help but think that he might just know what he’s on about.  He’s different to Rust though who obviously has zero understanding of... well... anything really.

6:49 – On a side note, I had lunch with a mate today who attended the Malaysian GP two years ago, and apparently it is the worst organised sporting event of all time.  The track is an hour outside of the city but it takes much longer to get there and even longer to get anywhere around the track because it is so packed and the signage/facilities are terrible.  I found this to be a little comical all the same.

6:52 – I really wish Rust would shut up.

6:54 – They’re showing Button’s qualifying lap and despite what my mate says about it, I think the track looks awesome.  The grandstand is seriously impressive and the track is a pretty interesting one.   The helicopter shot of the final corner is spectacular; I would like to visit there one day.  Still, I guess Cambodia in August will have to do!

6:55 – Track temperature is 38 degrees with 75% humidity... eugh!  Rust asks if Webber can challenge for a podium since he’s starting 5th on the grid.  My answer: I’ll be impressed if he’s not outside the top 10 by the first corner!  His starts are worse than Paris Hilton’s singing.

6:58 – Dammit Rust – SHUT UP!!!!

6:59 – I think McLaren’s cars look the best.  The silver makes them look pretty tough, while Ferrari’s rear wings make them look like Ken’s car from the Barbie play-set.  Anyway, the parade lap is under way, which I think is a bit of a waste of time.  Anyway, here comes the start!

7:02 – Surprise, surprise: Webber a pitiful start!  He got toasted off the line and is waaaaaay back.  Button got a horrible one too... and Kovalinen has spun off!! Hahahahaha – two weekends in a row he retires on the first corner.  How pathetic.

Button manages to smoke Alonso and it seems like this will be an awesome race – Rosberg is flying away from Trulli.  Webber in 7th... well, maybe his start wasn’t that bad.  However this gives you an insight into how bad his starts are; he drops two places and you justify it by claiming “Well, it could be worse...”

7:05 – Alonso holding everyone up already since he’s so heavily fuelled.  Surely someone can get him on the massive straights?  Does any circuit have longer straights than this track?  Maybe Monza.

7:06 – Ok, BBC is showing a replay of the start: Rosberg was on fire! He flew by everyone up the inside.  Button screwed up the first corner monumentally; obviously his ego is getting out of control after his Aussie win.  BBC also just showed Kovalinen’s crash replay and it was completely driver error.  Seriously, how can he be a McLaren driver given he has zero skill?  He was happily driving in a straight line, and then it was like he hit a banana – the car just flew off the track.

7:07 – Kubica out!  Great times – bring on the crashes!

7:08 – Webber is fast approaching Kimi.  This is amazing, could Webber manage to overtake a Ferrari? 

7:09 – No.

7:11 – Vettel just sped past Hamilton.  That’s what you get for being a spoiled lying brat I suppose Lewis? How’s it taste???

Ahem... My apologies.  Meanwhile there are massive storm clouds on the horizon and Glock just hit the back of Webber’s car... You idiot!!!!  Dammit, Webber better not get knocked out again, especially not by a muppet like Timo Glock.  What kind of a name is that anyway?  This is what happens when Webber drives well: I get angry with anyone that gets near him.

7:14 – Button’s radio says heavy rain is expected soon – sweet.  Alonso is still holding up 4 cars.  Dammit, somebody get past him!

7:16 – Vettel is on a mission.  Already up to 10th and is about to turn Heidfeld into strawberry jam.  Meanwhile Webber is making a move on Kimi!  I’m not sure if the universe could handle Webber overtaking a Ferrari...  Rain in ten minutes.  Didn’t they say that 10 minutes ago?

7:18 – Vettel has caught up to Glock!  Incredible... is there any fuel in Vettel’s car?  He is on fire... and Raikkonen overtakes Alonso.  What can Webber do now that there is a much slower car in front of him?

7:19 – Nothing

7:24 – Whoa!! In your face Malloch!  Webber  overtakes Alonso... then loses it... then takes it back... then loses it... then takes it!!!! Unbelievable!  Possibly the most exciting 30 seconds in F1 history.  Webber up to 5th and the universe’s foundations are beginning to crumble.

7:25 – Vettel pits.  The answer to how much fuel he had?  Practically none at all. 

Unlucky. 

Looks like he just took on 6 trillion litres though so I guess he’ll be out there for a while... but he’s back to 17th place. 

Ah, that’s a shame. (Tee Hee)

7:26 – Webber is closing on Kimi, I can feel the Earth’s tectonic plates getting ready to cause an Earthquake at the prospect of Webber overtaking him...  Meanwhile the race leader Rosberg pits... could be painful later on if it rains in... oh, say 2 minutes time?

7:30 – I’m pretty over how much man-love the commentators have for the British racers.  I know they are the british commentary team, but come on guys, your coverage is... hold that thought – Webber pits from 6th... this could be ultra-painful... down to 14th.  Dammit!

7:32 – Anyway, as I was saying, the commentators’ love for the Brits is kind of disgusting.  All I want is race analysis here, which admittedly is something they do pretty well.  However since Button is now doing well, all you hear from the commentators is Button this, Hamilton that... blah, blah, blah.  Well, Kimi pits and puts on rain tyres... a bold gamble, however if it’s not going to rain Kimi is going to go backwards faster than the Canberra Raiders forward pack.

7:34 – Kimi is moving in slow motion.  Vettel just sped past him and made Kimi look like he was standing still... sitting still... dammit.

7:39 – Rain!!! And Alonso spins off!  Yeah baby – let the carnage begin.

7:40 – Whoa... in they all come!  It sucks to be Barichello; he had to wait to get tyres in the pit lane because Button was already in there.  So he just sat there like a lame duck waiting for Button to finish up.    

7:41 – Webber back in 7th.  Good times.  Hamilton looks like he’ll... whoa!  Webber overtakes Hamilton!!  The universe will probably end soon.

7:42 – Hamilton destroys Webber on the straight.  Unlucky Mark.

7:43 – Webber takes Ham.... dammit!  He and Hamilton are having a spectacular scrap.  Mark keeps looking like he’s about to over take him, then either Hamilton closes the door with the infernal diffuser, or Webber screws up.  Come on Mark!!!

7:45 – He’s got him!!  If he can keep distance between he and Lewis on the straight then he’ll be fine... and he does...  This is great!

7:46 – Webber takes Heidfeld!!  Incredible!  Webber is the best driver on the circuit right now.  What the hell did he eat for breakfast?

7:48 – Well, Glock has kept his dry tyres on and is driving at light speed compared to the rest of the field.  He’s 10 seconds a lap quicker than everyone else.  Amazing!

7:50 – May have gone a little early with the Webber best driver call... Glock is...  Or not – Webber just smoked Trulli and is up to third!   I’m running out of superlatives here... but it could get messy soon.  Glock is right behind him.

7:52 – Barichello spins off – Webber in 2nd!  Unbelievable... but Glock takes Webber since he’s on the dry tyres.  Will this last for Mark since he’s on wet tyres... this could end painfully... and most likely will.

7:53 – Webber goes in to the pits... where will Mark emerge??  I’m thinking 7th.

7:54 – Good short stop from Mark... he comes out in.... 5th!  Not too bad really.  Damn this is a good race.  I have a feeling it will bucket down now though seeing as Webber has changed to dry tyres...

7:59 –Whoa!  Picked it like a dirty nose!  The rain comes down massively.  Now Webber has to pit again... I KNEW that would happen.  Where is Webber now?  Vettel’s gone off.  Safety car has come out.   But Webber’s in 4th??? Wow... how the hell did that happen?

8:01 – The race is over!   Red flags are out everywhere.   Unless the track dries out then this race is done.  Dammit!

8:03 – Ok, the race is only suspended.  Webber might be in third???  I have no idea what is going on.

8:04 – Uh no... Webber is in 8th.  Dammit!!!!  How the hell did that happen??  He must have spun off somewhere.  The universe has officially got even.

8:07 – What a horrid result.  Webber at least seems in good spirits.  I still don’t know how he went from 3rd to 8th in less than 30 seconds...  Someone must pay for this outrage.

8:15 – Looks like the rain has set in for good.  It’ll probably be all over according Rust: AKA the muppet man.

9:00pm – Well, it’s all over.  Button wins another one; and mass confusion over the final finishing spots.  I’m certain Webber wasn’t 8th...

9:10 – And what do you know – he wasn’t!  Webber finishes 6th which is pretty good.  However if he didn’t pit twice in the last 4 laps he would have been on the podium.  Still, it’s Webber and a points finish so I’ll take it.  It’s better than his usual DNF.

9:12 – Well, what a race... while it lasted anyway.  I hope that the rest of the season is as exciting as this race.  It remains to be seen if Webber can get one up on the universe.  I doubt he will... but it’ll be fun to watch..

Click here to email Dylan about the above column.

Click here to go back to the homepage.